I'm living in this world, I wanna make a change

There is a growing epidemic among children today and I can no longer stand by not doing anything. I'm talking about kids who pick stupid ass email addresses. Kids these days just don't get it. In another 2-3 years, no one will use social security numbers (or names really). It'll just be, "what up pimpthatho@aol.com?" Or, "you be blinging 5caratstud@mac.com." So seriously kids, what are you thinking:

• supermanrulez@hotmail.com? WTF?
  
• horsieluver@gmail.com? Seriously, how's that gonna sound in 10 years?
• john38267498@msn.com? Even your moms ain't gonna be emailing you, son.

This is why I've decided to open the BEYONCE INSTITUTE to TEACH CHILDREN HOW to e-MAIL (BITCHe). There, kids will learn the importance of choosing a pimpin' email address. There will also be staff there to teach children how to use T-mobile Sidekicks and Blackberries. To enroll, please visit our website: www.clownpenis.fart

I said yes we can be together...

I don't really understand why everyone keeps aksin why this lady,Shakira, looks like me. Like, okay, in this article I read this morning, they had this picture and asked why we look alike. But, I mean they weren't even smart enough to get a picture of her... they just put up two photos of me.

Maybe it's cuz she ain't famous enough yet to have photos of her everywhere. I remember someone said she might do "Beautiful Liar" with me, but then punked out. So I had to play both parts. Like in this video:



So will someone please show me a photo of her so I know who to hate? Thanks.

Got me hoping you'll page me right now

Can we all agree that The Verizon Guy peaked last year? Seriously, bro. Time to hang it up.* Get yo fat self some B'Juice.


2006:



2007**:


* Pun INtended
** May not be actual picture of The Verizon Guy

No, I'M crazy in love.

Question: who the f are Snow Patrol and Switchfoot and The Magic Numbers and why the crap are they all singing my song, "Crazy in Love" in all these links?!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: if you're gonna copy me, do it with some spunk, or energy or choreography or backbeat or f*&^ing hot pants! Is it that hard? I think I set a pretty good example, I mean I work hard at it everyday. It's kind of my JOB. So I find it hard to believe that you people can't copy proper.

Just in case you decide to pull your heads out of your a$$es, I've copied the lyrics here and the video below. Step up. Now.

How you gon' upgrade me

So this Des'ree hack thinks she can pull one past the B? Puh-lease. Truth is I wrote that song first and she stole it from me. What's that? I was only 3 when the song came out? Yeah, that's right, cause I wrote it in the womb. That's the kinda talent I'm bringing Des'ree[tard]. You can take your bald, no-talent self back to whatever ghetto you came from. Also, you look like a man.

Better catch a cab, Or get on a bus

Guess what I learned after spending two hours walking around the UWS looking for some guy in a Rocawear bubble coat and doo rag? The E Train is an actual train.

You was on the wall, I was with my crew

Sometimes I forget that these posts don't have to be as fabulous as everything else I do. Unlike me, they don't have to be a singer, rapper, actress, dancer, clothing designer & fashionista. Instead, they can sometimes just be my thoughts.

I read somewhere that someone thinks sequins are "lame." Furthermore, thinks I personally need a "sequin intervention." Well, let me tell you something, ESNEAD, whoever the f^&* you are, there is no such thing as a "sequin rut." Like my mama sand grandmama said, "you can never have too many sparkles." And sequins are how I like to express my sparkles personally. And mathematically, if you can't have too many sparkles... then you DEFinitely can't be "powerless over sequins." Who do you think you are? It's like... oh, wait, I guess then you say something about how I don't need the sparkles to "shine bright." Well, yeah I mean that was all I was saying.

But then you make fun of my wind machine. So, you out, ESNEAD. Out for good.

A note to fans

My mom's hairdresser's daughter found this video last night, and I felt I needed to take the time to address some issues w/ my fans:



Pros
1. I appreciate the enthusiasm. Don't get me wrong, immitation is the highest form of flattery.
2. I'm so happy to be inspring the young generations. With kids as my followers, it won't be long until the next generation is filled w/ bootylicious connoisseurs.
3. Attempted choreography. Way to go, lil' man. I could teach you a lot, but already you have the makings of a true protegay.

Cons
1. Listen. If you're gonn go ahead and make your own Beyonce video please either:

• purchase a "Make Your Own Beyonce Video" kit at www.beyonce.net, complete w/ banana skirt, halter and stilettos. These come in several different themes, from Deja Vu to Say My Name, you really can't miss.
• please please please please please memorize the choreography from the original video. I just can't have messed up s*%t like this circulating on the line.

2. Also. Put on some better-fitting clothes. I don't care how young you are, where you are, what gender you are... I want to see somethin' sparkle.

Always remember, fans. If you represent Beyonce, you best ba-ring it.

You feelin my style, you feeling my flow

Everyone's been talking about this Dan Imass guy recently and I felt that I could no longer stand on the sidelines and not discuss the issue. For those of you who don't know, this horse-faced cracker called the Rutgers' women's basketball team a bunch of "nappy-haired hoes".

I'm going to address these two claims separately. First of all, girls: seriously, look at yourselves. Then look at me. See the difference? Exactly. I know a great hair stylist. Actually, it's my moms. Call me. I'll see what she can do (except for you, tall girl--don't call me, you're beyond my help). Secondly, I'm not sure if these girls are hoes or not. I don't know them. They don't roll in my posse. We know they're ballers, so they're probably hoes too. Either way, a great man once said "Gs up, hoes down, while you motherfuckers bounce to this"

What about my body, body?

I've been getting some fan mail askin' why I keep posing w/ my arms over my head these days. Besides the fact that it increases circulation and thereby enhances my ability to booty-shake, now is a good time as any to announce the pre-launch of my new deoderant / 'personal lubricant' "B'o".

It's still in development stages, but it should be droppin' this fall. Until then, enjoy my armpit poses and just remember... you, too, can have these pits soon.

Watch it while they check up on it

While I know I'm on tv, radio, and the webinet like all day long and it's hard to miss one of my jams even if you tryin', I thought I'd compile a short list of my favorite sites about me just in case you need a fix.

You can go here or here or here or here or here or here if you want like general news, photos of me categorized by date, sub-categorized by event and cohorts. Go here if you want to see my movie roles.

Go here if you want to see my hot new clothing line "House of Dereon", read about my mama and grandma and their fashion inspirations on me, or hear the hot "Deja Vu" instrumental track.

Here is where a few of my songs can be bought like ringtones. Even though they don't have a lot, I like them because their slogan is "get dfrnt."

And try here if you need a new, trademarked B'ddy icon. This one's my fave:
Thanks for yo' support!

I'm not just the president, I'm also a client

I'm talking about the International Society for the Promotion of Short Shorts (ISPSS). That's right, Ima gonna get all presidential on that org.

For the record, I had that gnomish minion fired and deported to Syria and framed for trafficking bootlegged episodes of Dora The Explorer (even though it turns out she's a US citizen).

A little sweat ain't never hurt nobody...

Even though American Idol isn't technically about me, I decided to check it out last week and I realized it really IS about me! I had my assistant do some googling, and it looks like the favorite to win is Sanjaya Malakar.

I mean, come on... Be-yonc-e, San-ja-ya? This kid is all about interesting hair do's and big smiles, and I respect that. Plus, I read that she helped some girl lose weight just by her performances on American Idol! This is exactly what I look for in fans. If her fabulous singing weren't enough flattery-by-emulation, these photos below show how much she had dedicated to following in my footsteps. So, you go girl. Rock that Foxxy 'do and show 'em how we do.

I must confess, I'm really feelin you

If you're like me, you can't get enough of me. And if you can't get enough of me, then you'll like this. I don't know who this Just Jared guy is, but I like him. But not as much as I like me. And not as much as he must like me.