Um???

So, yesterday I found out that 'American Idol' isn't about me.

Pick up the phone, come on

You have probably heard by now that I'm the new spokesperson for this Chinese company "Sam Song". I got a free cellie for doing it (even though I only use Vertu phones). Anyway, they gave me this phone and it can play all of my songs, which is totally dope cause that's all I listen to. But can someone explain to me how the hell the fit all my CDs into this tiny phone? I bet they got a shrinking ray from the Japanian people--they're crazy nerds like that.

Listen

I've had a lot of fans write to me and ask what inspired me to write the Academy-Award nominated song 'Listen' from the Dreamgirls soundtrack. So here it is, boo:

One night in bed, J asked me why he wasn't in my Top Eight. I sat up and began to explain, "listen..." when I realized he'd probably understand better through song. So, I scribbled down a few thoughts, took a few minutes to choreograph some moves and tried and tried to say what was on my mind.

And that was it! My producers edited out the lines about Tom to make it more universal, but it totally works on like 4 levels.

Movies that I am not in

Shooter - Went to see this with the H.O.V.A. He said it was going to be about basketball. It wasn't. I have no idea what it was about. There were a lot of white people shooting each other and I'm totally opposed to violence. Unless it's like really cool gangsta violence. I give this an Airball!

TMNT - Now this was a real movie. I like to think of it as a thinking-man's Spiderman. The acting was bangin'. I've seen turtles at the zoo before and they ain't got nothing on these 4. I give this a Turtle Power

Baby let me know if you wanna ride with this

It felt really good helping all the Africans, so I decided to go help another really poor country that was far away -- Australia. It's a lot worse down here than I thought. I don't think I've seen a single Maybach since I've been down here, their Nutella tastes like crap and these poor people can barely speak english. There's clearly a lot of work for me to do down here, so I've added another show and am having my people ship 300 cases of Tab Energy down here for the Abodigital people.

Manifest my destiny

I definitely don't drink. But if I did, I wouldn't drink too much. And if I did drink too much, I would definitely not get a hangover. But then if I had a hangover I would totally drink TAB Energy Drink

Not only does it have a can that's pink and cute, it is "fuel to be fabulous." And I obviously don't need any help with fabulosity, but for my fans who are always asking how I do it... grab a TAB.

Girl I didn't know you could get down like that

I'm sure all of you have noticed I haven't updated the site in a few days. That's because for the past 72 hours straight, I've been drinking "B'Juice" and Googling myself. Well, actually, for the last 3 hours, I've just been watching this video on loop:



Haha. That never gets old!

Green light, green light

In honor of whatever holiday it is where white people wear ugly green outfits, my gift to my fans is a photo of me. I know I'm not wearing green... but there's lots of green trees and the alligators are green. I tried to find a photo of me in the alligator jumpsuit I had made right after this shoot, but this is the best I could do.

Green doesn't work on everyone, so I'm thankful that I could make this photo pop.

I'ma be like a waffle cone that's drippin' down to the floor

Sup, y'all. This is Sasha comin' to you from the kinky side of Beyonce's brain. I pick up where BK's "ethics" and "strict, Christian upbringin" stop short. I'm the one with the freakum dress. I am Foxxy Cleopatra. And, yes, I did write "Suga Mama."

I just hit up the blog from the club to clear something up. Beyonce may say she feels "sorry" for the children of destiny, but those bitches didn't leave room on stage for my uninhibited flow. So they had to go. Time to leave the show. We ain't got room for you, no mo'.

Time to get back to the flo', but please direct any further questions or comments to sasha.gettin.bodied@gmail.com.

Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness

I often wonder what happened to all my former Destiny Child's members--Kelly, Michelle, LaTavia, LeToya and Farrah. I hope they're doing OK after I fired them and had my dad repossess all the crap I gave them.

Movies that I am not in (well, kinda)

300 - This movie was about 300...um, well...so there are these 300 things and they...uh...go to this place where they play...um, no, um...OK, well, so here's the deal. I bought my ticket and was sitting in the theatre waiting for this movie to start and I began thinking, "300 is a really big number. A really really big number." And then I started to get nervous that there was going to be counting or math in the movie, cause I don't like math. Or counting. So I left, went home to my penthouse, ordered in from Per Se and put in one of my favorite DVDs instead. So, as a special treat to you, here's a review of...

Austin Powers in Goldmember - This movie stars me in the lead role and co-stars this hairy guy from some late night TV show. They wanted me to do the movie by myself, but we had to let the hairy guy and his pet midget in because I guess they were in the first movie or something. Well, anyway, I tried to act down to his level, but I still stole the show. Here's what some people said about my performance:

The big surprise is Beyonce Knowles who gives a very confident debut perf as sexy spy, Foxxy.

- Robin Clifford

...Foxxy Cleopatra — a striking presence thanks to Beyonce Knowles' outlandish but dynamite makeup and costuming.

- Mike Clark

Ms. Knowles knows how to strut that strut

- Stephen Holden

Beyonce is amazing. She's beautiful, hot, smart, sexy and looks great in the tight dresses. She's every bit as mesmerizing on the big screen as she is on her albums.

-Mom

I give this movie a Bootylicious.

Raise your hands if ya understand: B.C.

See, so I get how our years work now. It's 2007. Then comes 2008, 2009, 2010, all the way to 2099. But how did all them people do it before Jesus? Y'know, back in the BC days? How did they know when Jesus was going to be born so that they could start counting down to 0? And did their months count down too? I asked my minister and he just shook his head, so I guess he don't understand neither. Maybe the dinosaurs figured it out. They was mad smart.

I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity

I was watching this re-run of Oprah and found out about these bad things happening in Africa. Apparently they don't have it as good as we do over here and I feel terrible about it, so I immediately had my manager send over 1,000 copies of my double platinum CD "B'Day" and 100 copies of my hilarious, but heartfelt comedy "The Fighting Temptations" on DVD. I hope I can set an example for other musician/actor/producer/media mogul/clothing designers to start giving as generously as I have.

If anything I bling yo

Seriously, don't you hate it when your Diamond Vertu phone gets scratched and you have to get a new one?

I love to love you baby

I found this t-shirt online and had my fifth assistant order a million of them because people are always saying "I love you Beyonce" and I wanted to give them out to all my friends who worship me. But then the company was all like, "We can't send one million t-shirts", so my Daddy's going to sue them now.

Beyonce in 2010: I'm bringin' it

After much debileration delibbarration thought, I have decided to enter the race for the Presidency of the United States! Unfortunately, with all my new videos coming out, I'm not going to be ready for the next election, so I have decided to run in 2010. Some people have told me there's no Presidential election in 2010, but my boyfriend Jay Z said he could hook it up for me, so take that haters! More updates to come on WWBD; maybe even t-shirts (with sequins, of course)!

Movies that I am not in

Despite my best attempts, I can't be in every movie out there. So, as a service to my fans, I've decided to post reviews of new films each weekend. I hope this will help you sort through all the non-Beyonce movies out there. So, here we go:

Black Snake Moan - This was about a black guy who couldn't sing real good and a girl who was so poor that she could only afford half a shirt. I give it a No he din't!

Wild Hogs - Apparently, somebody remade Biker Boyz with white people. I give it a Cracka please!

Zodiac - I kept waiting for Miss Cleo to show up, but she never did, so I don't know what this movie was about. I give it a Wha Wha?

Well is you feelin that

I bet if Serena Williams had kept winning tournaments, they would be calling her the "Beyonce of tennis" by now.

You stole everything

Check it. My new video dropped today. My dad told me I could play both roles in the video, but then the director let that Mexican girl who can't speak English do it. Whatever. I totally killed it and she can't dance.