By my side you been waitin’...

...TO EAT ME. AGHHHHHH! I was performing at the BET awards wearing this great Princess Leia getup, when out of nowhere, Jabba The Hut showed up. It was the scariest moment of my life.

I haven't tried to forget this, But I'm much too full of resentment

If this Rihanna tramp thinks she's gonna steal my man just by writing a song about an in-and-a-ment object, she's got another thing coming. But, just to be sure, I'm writing my own song about something I found in the house. Here's an exclusive sneak-peak for all you WWBD readers:

SALAD TONGS

In this african-american-female-rap-artist game, I'm the King Kong
When I play North Korea, they call me the il-est Kim Jong

You best answer the door when it goes 'ding dong'
'Cause I'm outside and gonna bring it to ya strong

And, yes, I'm packin' my own Salad Tongs

[Chorus - Jay Z]
Gonna toss this together like Hale & Hearty
I like my salad with onions, olives and the havarti
Don't want that low-fat dressing, give me the G Island
I like my salads crazier than Scott Weiland
H - O - V - A servin' it up for my girl bee-yon
Girl, you know how to work those salad tongs

When I was a kid I used to play the Pong
But I gave that all up for a life of song

If ya think you're going last in this game, you're dead wrong
In an another year, you'll be as famous as Nia Long

I'ma toss you both in a bowl with my Salad Tongs

[Chorus]

I've been kickin with Jay-z for eon[g]s
Consequently, I longer hang with you peon[g]s

My housekeeper's name is Li-Fong
I'm pretty sure she used to fight for the viet cong

But if she steps up to me, I slap her with my Salad Tongs

[Chorus]

Baby boy you stay on my mind

My friend told me this weekend that you can buy anything on some website called Ebay. Well, that's great, cause I wanna buy this kid...

I figured he'd be fun to have around for parties or on the tour bus. When I get bored of dancing myself, I can just let him out of the box and watch him go. Can one you of you please show me where I can buy him? I'm willing to pay up to $250, though I'll need someone to do all the work since I don't buy stuff on the webernet.

You can bring the cuffs, if you would like to, if that's your style

Turns out that maybe the bus company wasn't really Nelly Furtado's. Also turns out that she might be suing me now--something about salamanders and lying about bells. Straight up, I have no idea about any this legal mumbo jumbo. That's why I've hired the best lawyers I could find (based solely on website name, of course): MoFo. They assured me they don't get paid till I get paid, or till they bust a cap in her ass.

Then ya dynasty ain't complete without a chief like me, Partner let me upgrade you

For those of you who read CHINAdaily, SAWF news and Zee News, you've probably heard the news about Jay-Z and me. Don't worry, nothing's official yet. While "me and Jay respect each other" (as I was quoted saying in that bastion of journalistic integrity, Stuff.co.nz--BTW, be sure to check out this fascinating piece on modelling), that level of respect is proportional to the size of the ring he buys me. I'll keep you posted.

'Cause you a bug a boo, a bug a boo

Nelly, you no-talent, wannabe-rapper hack. You're making all us hot hip-hop supastars look bad. Didn't anyone tell you that when you drop your album, you're supposed to become a clothing designer, music producer or actress? Not a bus driver. Fool.


I do like your style, though. Where can I get this dress? Call me--let's do lunch you crazy stupid bitch. And keep your dirty cooch away from Timbaland--he's one of us (you can have JT).