By my side you been waitin’...

...TO EAT ME. AGHHHHHH! I was performing at the BET awards wearing this great Princess Leia getup, when out of nowhere, Jabba The Hut showed up. It was the scariest moment of my life.

I haven't tried to forget this, But I'm much too full of resentment

If this Rihanna tramp thinks she's gonna steal my man just by writing a song about an in-and-a-ment object, she's got another thing coming. But, just to be sure, I'm writing my own song about something I found in the house. Here's an exclusive sneak-peak for all you WWBD readers:

SALAD TONGS

In this african-american-female-rap-artist game, I'm the King Kong
When I play North Korea, they call me the il-est Kim Jong

You best answer the door when it goes 'ding dong'
'Cause I'm outside and gonna bring it to ya strong

And, yes, I'm packin' my own Salad Tongs

[Chorus - Jay Z]
Gonna toss this together like Hale & Hearty
I like my salad with onions, olives and the havarti
Don't want that low-fat dressing, give me the G Island
I like my salads crazier than Scott Weiland
H - O - V - A servin' it up for my girl bee-yon
Girl, you know how to work those salad tongs

When I was a kid I used to play the Pong
But I gave that all up for a life of song

If ya think you're going last in this game, you're dead wrong
In an another year, you'll be as famous as Nia Long

I'ma toss you both in a bowl with my Salad Tongs

[Chorus]

I've been kickin with Jay-z for eon[g]s
Consequently, I longer hang with you peon[g]s

My housekeeper's name is Li-Fong
I'm pretty sure she used to fight for the viet cong

But if she steps up to me, I slap her with my Salad Tongs

[Chorus]

Baby boy you stay on my mind

My friend told me this weekend that you can buy anything on some website called Ebay. Well, that's great, cause I wanna buy this kid...

I figured he'd be fun to have around for parties or on the tour bus. When I get bored of dancing myself, I can just let him out of the box and watch him go. Can one you of you please show me where I can buy him? I'm willing to pay up to $250, though I'll need someone to do all the work since I don't buy stuff on the webernet.

You can bring the cuffs, if you would like to, if that's your style

Turns out that maybe the bus company wasn't really Nelly Furtado's. Also turns out that she might be suing me now--something about salamanders and lying about bells. Straight up, I have no idea about any this legal mumbo jumbo. That's why I've hired the best lawyers I could find (based solely on website name, of course): MoFo. They assured me they don't get paid till I get paid, or till they bust a cap in her ass.

Then ya dynasty ain't complete without a chief like me, Partner let me upgrade you

For those of you who read CHINAdaily, SAWF news and Zee News, you've probably heard the news about Jay-Z and me. Don't worry, nothing's official yet. While "me and Jay respect each other" (as I was quoted saying in that bastion of journalistic integrity, Stuff.co.nz--BTW, be sure to check out this fascinating piece on modelling), that level of respect is proportional to the size of the ring he buys me. I'll keep you posted.

'Cause you a bug a boo, a bug a boo

Nelly, you no-talent, wannabe-rapper hack. You're making all us hot hip-hop supastars look bad. Didn't anyone tell you that when you drop your album, you're supposed to become a clothing designer, music producer or actress? Not a bus driver. Fool.


I do like your style, though. Where can I get this dress? Call me--let's do lunch you crazy stupid bitch. And keep your dirty cooch away from Timbaland--he's one of us (you can have JT).

Dip it, pop it, twirk it, stop it, check on me tonight

I bet if Gandhi were alive today, he would totally be an ass man.

Larry Ellison is my new homeboy

Dude can burn through cash like a true gangsta. $200 million for a boat that loses races? I'm pouring out a bottle of my Donaghey for you L-train. Dad, I hope you're taking notes. Only $32 million? On blow and hookers? You embarrass me. Call me when you're ready to play with the big doggs. L-E, keep on playin' playa. I just took out $150 million from the ATM, put it in the back of my Rolls and had my 12th assistant drive into the side of Jay's private jet. Your move.

Drop a couple hundreds tell him leave it at the door

A lot of people say "the children are the future". I agree. Especially the prettier ones, because they have a better chance of being famous and famous people have a lot more money than unfamous people. If you have money, then you can give it to charities, like those that make time machines to go into the future. Thusly, children are the future.

10 Commandments: Beyonce Knowles

For those of you who don't read a little paper called the Belfast Telegraph, I thought I'd just paste this article from Sunday's issue here to show how I'm making a difference around the globe with my interviews and dreams.

1. Never give up on your dreams.
Achieving them and inspiring other people to go after their own dreams is so rewarding.

2. Follow your creative side.
One of the things that kept me out of trouble, aside from my parents, was I was always a creative child.

Whether it was writing songs or writing poems or making clothes or dancing, putting on shows, whatever, it was something creative.

I just think that's so wonderful for kids.

3. Friendships are so important.
I've had small depressions; days when I've woken up and felt sad. I've got my religion and that is my therapy, although it is always good to have someone to talk to.

Thank goodness I have many friends.

4. Trust is really important in all relationships.
I really don't like people who aren't real people around me.

I don't like people who are 'yes' people. I don't like people who tell me what they think I want to hear.

5. Don't worry about what others might think of you.
I used to, but not any more. And I've been really happy with myself as a person ever since.

6. Nothing is perfect all the time.
There are plenty of days when I'm like 'Oh God, why?'. But that's just life.

Every moment is not perfect, but there are definitely more good times than bad. So be thankful.

7. Laughter really is the best medicine.
I am very attracted to someone who makes me laugh.

I'm just a sucker for somebody who can do that.

8. Accept responsibility as early as you can.
Even before I was 21, I was making adult decisions.

I had an adult job with adult responsibilities. I guess I was forced to mature with while with Destiny's Child.

9. Love is something that never goes out of style.
It's something everybody experiences. And if they are not in love, then most people usually want to feet romantic.

10. Work hard and deserve everything you have.
I never thought I'd have so much money. I just wanted to be financially stable.

But I have worked very hard to get where I am.

The best part of me, I gave you.

I don't trust the government, so I definitely don't trust the post office. When I need to send something in the mail, I usually just send my 6th assistant (aka Pony Express) with $10 and an autographed photo of me and tell her to get that s#&t done.

But now that they be raisin' they prices on stamps, I am worried I may have to give her more... I mean $41 for one letter? The socks at House of Dereon don't even cost that much.

On a side note, if you want your own B'stamps, please go here. Just tell them I sent you, they'll hook you up.

This can't go on now

Stupid gap-toothed Brits. Obviously I didn't order "Boston Market rotary chicken". First off, are they talking about a chicken or a phone? Seriously, WTF mate. And second, there ain't no way I'm eating no Boston Market. Everyone knows that stuff for crakers. I only eat the good stuff. Now that's what I call biscuits. Amen.

But the cards never lie, I thought I told you

I've been taking a lot of flack for my post on the aliens. For all you haters out there, click here, here and here. Yeah, what you got now suckas?

Ain't no dialtones, just milestones.

I read this thing about how someone wrote down what i said about radio and the web. I just wanted to clarify what I meant.

I've decided not to use the internet or radio b/c of the aliens that live in the wires and airwaves. I only use internet to B'log. But I want to make it clear that doesn't mean that any of you should stop (a) listening to my music, (b) looking at my pictures online or, especially, (c) buying my music online.

Or (d) all of the above PLUS don't stop reading this b'log.

I'm living in this world, I wanna make a change

There is a growing epidemic among children today and I can no longer stand by not doing anything. I'm talking about kids who pick stupid ass email addresses. Kids these days just don't get it. In another 2-3 years, no one will use social security numbers (or names really). It'll just be, "what up pimpthatho@aol.com?" Or, "you be blinging 5caratstud@mac.com." So seriously kids, what are you thinking:

• supermanrulez@hotmail.com? WTF?
  
• horsieluver@gmail.com? Seriously, how's that gonna sound in 10 years?
• john38267498@msn.com? Even your moms ain't gonna be emailing you, son.

This is why I've decided to open the BEYONCE INSTITUTE to TEACH CHILDREN HOW to e-MAIL (BITCHe). There, kids will learn the importance of choosing a pimpin' email address. There will also be staff there to teach children how to use T-mobile Sidekicks and Blackberries. To enroll, please visit our website: www.clownpenis.fart

I said yes we can be together...

I don't really understand why everyone keeps aksin why this lady,Shakira, looks like me. Like, okay, in this article I read this morning, they had this picture and asked why we look alike. But, I mean they weren't even smart enough to get a picture of her... they just put up two photos of me.

Maybe it's cuz she ain't famous enough yet to have photos of her everywhere. I remember someone said she might do "Beautiful Liar" with me, but then punked out. So I had to play both parts. Like in this video:



So will someone please show me a photo of her so I know who to hate? Thanks.

Got me hoping you'll page me right now

Can we all agree that The Verizon Guy peaked last year? Seriously, bro. Time to hang it up.* Get yo fat self some B'Juice.


2006:



2007**:


* Pun INtended
** May not be actual picture of The Verizon Guy

No, I'M crazy in love.

Question: who the f are Snow Patrol and Switchfoot and The Magic Numbers and why the crap are they all singing my song, "Crazy in Love" in all these links?!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: if you're gonna copy me, do it with some spunk, or energy or choreography or backbeat or f*&^ing hot pants! Is it that hard? I think I set a pretty good example, I mean I work hard at it everyday. It's kind of my JOB. So I find it hard to believe that you people can't copy proper.

Just in case you decide to pull your heads out of your a$$es, I've copied the lyrics here and the video below. Step up. Now.

How you gon' upgrade me

So this Des'ree hack thinks she can pull one past the B? Puh-lease. Truth is I wrote that song first and she stole it from me. What's that? I was only 3 when the song came out? Yeah, that's right, cause I wrote it in the womb. That's the kinda talent I'm bringing Des'ree[tard]. You can take your bald, no-talent self back to whatever ghetto you came from. Also, you look like a man.

Better catch a cab, Or get on a bus

Guess what I learned after spending two hours walking around the UWS looking for some guy in a Rocawear bubble coat and doo rag? The E Train is an actual train.