By my side you been waitin’...

...TO EAT ME. AGHHHHHH! I was performing at the BET awards wearing this great Princess Leia getup, when out of nowhere, Jabba The Hut showed up. It was the scariest moment of my life.

I haven't tried to forget this, But I'm much too full of resentment

If this Rihanna tramp thinks she's gonna steal my man just by writing a song about an in-and-a-ment object, she's got another thing coming. But, just to be sure, I'm writing my own song about something I found in the house. Here's an exclusive sneak-peak for all you WWBD readers:

SALAD TONGS

In this african-american-female-rap-artist game, I'm the King Kong
When I play North Korea, they call me the il-est Kim Jong

You best answer the door when it goes 'ding dong'
'Cause I'm outside and gonna bring it to ya strong

And, yes, I'm packin' my own Salad Tongs

[Chorus - Jay Z]
Gonna toss this together like Hale & Hearty
I like my salad with onions, olives and the havarti
Don't want that low-fat dressing, give me the G Island
I like my salads crazier than Scott Weiland
H - O - V - A servin' it up for my girl bee-yon
Girl, you know how to work those salad tongs

When I was a kid I used to play the Pong
But I gave that all up for a life of song

If ya think you're going last in this game, you're dead wrong
In an another year, you'll be as famous as Nia Long

I'ma toss you both in a bowl with my Salad Tongs

[Chorus]

I've been kickin with Jay-z for eon[g]s
Consequently, I longer hang with you peon[g]s

My housekeeper's name is Li-Fong
I'm pretty sure she used to fight for the viet cong

But if she steps up to me, I slap her with my Salad Tongs

[Chorus]

Baby boy you stay on my mind

My friend told me this weekend that you can buy anything on some website called Ebay. Well, that's great, cause I wanna buy this kid...

I figured he'd be fun to have around for parties or on the tour bus. When I get bored of dancing myself, I can just let him out of the box and watch him go. Can one you of you please show me where I can buy him? I'm willing to pay up to $250, though I'll need someone to do all the work since I don't buy stuff on the webernet.

You can bring the cuffs, if you would like to, if that's your style

Turns out that maybe the bus company wasn't really Nelly Furtado's. Also turns out that she might be suing me now--something about salamanders and lying about bells. Straight up, I have no idea about any this legal mumbo jumbo. That's why I've hired the best lawyers I could find (based solely on website name, of course): MoFo. They assured me they don't get paid till I get paid, or till they bust a cap in her ass.

Then ya dynasty ain't complete without a chief like me, Partner let me upgrade you

For those of you who read CHINAdaily, SAWF news and Zee News, you've probably heard the news about Jay-Z and me. Don't worry, nothing's official yet. While "me and Jay respect each other" (as I was quoted saying in that bastion of journalistic integrity, Stuff.co.nz--BTW, be sure to check out this fascinating piece on modelling), that level of respect is proportional to the size of the ring he buys me. I'll keep you posted.

'Cause you a bug a boo, a bug a boo

Nelly, you no-talent, wannabe-rapper hack. You're making all us hot hip-hop supastars look bad. Didn't anyone tell you that when you drop your album, you're supposed to become a clothing designer, music producer or actress? Not a bus driver. Fool.


I do like your style, though. Where can I get this dress? Call me--let's do lunch you crazy stupid bitch. And keep your dirty cooch away from Timbaland--he's one of us (you can have JT).

Dip it, pop it, twirk it, stop it, check on me tonight

I bet if Gandhi were alive today, he would totally be an ass man.

Larry Ellison is my new homeboy

Dude can burn through cash like a true gangsta. $200 million for a boat that loses races? I'm pouring out a bottle of my Donaghey for you L-train. Dad, I hope you're taking notes. Only $32 million? On blow and hookers? You embarrass me. Call me when you're ready to play with the big doggs. L-E, keep on playin' playa. I just took out $150 million from the ATM, put it in the back of my Rolls and had my 12th assistant drive into the side of Jay's private jet. Your move.

Drop a couple hundreds tell him leave it at the door

A lot of people say "the children are the future". I agree. Especially the prettier ones, because they have a better chance of being famous and famous people have a lot more money than unfamous people. If you have money, then you can give it to charities, like those that make time machines to go into the future. Thusly, children are the future.

10 Commandments: Beyonce Knowles

For those of you who don't read a little paper called the Belfast Telegraph, I thought I'd just paste this article from Sunday's issue here to show how I'm making a difference around the globe with my interviews and dreams.

1. Never give up on your dreams.
Achieving them and inspiring other people to go after their own dreams is so rewarding.

2. Follow your creative side.
One of the things that kept me out of trouble, aside from my parents, was I was always a creative child.

Whether it was writing songs or writing poems or making clothes or dancing, putting on shows, whatever, it was something creative.

I just think that's so wonderful for kids.

3. Friendships are so important.
I've had small depressions; days when I've woken up and felt sad. I've got my religion and that is my therapy, although it is always good to have someone to talk to.

Thank goodness I have many friends.

4. Trust is really important in all relationships.
I really don't like people who aren't real people around me.

I don't like people who are 'yes' people. I don't like people who tell me what they think I want to hear.

5. Don't worry about what others might think of you.
I used to, but not any more. And I've been really happy with myself as a person ever since.

6. Nothing is perfect all the time.
There are plenty of days when I'm like 'Oh God, why?'. But that's just life.

Every moment is not perfect, but there are definitely more good times than bad. So be thankful.

7. Laughter really is the best medicine.
I am very attracted to someone who makes me laugh.

I'm just a sucker for somebody who can do that.

8. Accept responsibility as early as you can.
Even before I was 21, I was making adult decisions.

I had an adult job with adult responsibilities. I guess I was forced to mature with while with Destiny's Child.

9. Love is something that never goes out of style.
It's something everybody experiences. And if they are not in love, then most people usually want to feet romantic.

10. Work hard and deserve everything you have.
I never thought I'd have so much money. I just wanted to be financially stable.

But I have worked very hard to get where I am.