The best part of me, I gave you.

I don't trust the government, so I definitely don't trust the post office. When I need to send something in the mail, I usually just send my 6th assistant (aka Pony Express) with $10 and an autographed photo of me and tell her to get that s#&t done.

But now that they be raisin' they prices on stamps, I am worried I may have to give her more... I mean $41 for one letter? The socks at House of Dereon don't even cost that much.

On a side note, if you want your own B'stamps, please go here. Just tell them I sent you, they'll hook you up.

This can't go on now

Stupid gap-toothed Brits. Obviously I didn't order "Boston Market rotary chicken". First off, are they talking about a chicken or a phone? Seriously, WTF mate. And second, there ain't no way I'm eating no Boston Market. Everyone knows that stuff for crakers. I only eat the good stuff. Now that's what I call biscuits. Amen.

But the cards never lie, I thought I told you

I've been taking a lot of flack for my post on the aliens. For all you haters out there, click here, here and here. Yeah, what you got now suckas?

Ain't no dialtones, just milestones.

I read this thing about how someone wrote down what i said about radio and the web. I just wanted to clarify what I meant.

I've decided not to use the internet or radio b/c of the aliens that live in the wires and airwaves. I only use internet to B'log. But I want to make it clear that doesn't mean that any of you should stop (a) listening to my music, (b) looking at my pictures online or, especially, (c) buying my music online.

Or (d) all of the above PLUS don't stop reading this b'log.

I'm living in this world, I wanna make a change

There is a growing epidemic among children today and I can no longer stand by not doing anything. I'm talking about kids who pick stupid ass email addresses. Kids these days just don't get it. In another 2-3 years, no one will use social security numbers (or names really). It'll just be, "what up pimpthatho@aol.com?" Or, "you be blinging 5caratstud@mac.com." So seriously kids, what are you thinking:

• supermanrulez@hotmail.com? WTF?
  
• horsieluver@gmail.com? Seriously, how's that gonna sound in 10 years?
• john38267498@msn.com? Even your moms ain't gonna be emailing you, son.

This is why I've decided to open the BEYONCE INSTITUTE to TEACH CHILDREN HOW to e-MAIL (BITCHe). There, kids will learn the importance of choosing a pimpin' email address. There will also be staff there to teach children how to use T-mobile Sidekicks and Blackberries. To enroll, please visit our website: www.clownpenis.fart

I said yes we can be together...

I don't really understand why everyone keeps aksin why this lady,Shakira, looks like me. Like, okay, in this article I read this morning, they had this picture and asked why we look alike. But, I mean they weren't even smart enough to get a picture of her... they just put up two photos of me.

Maybe it's cuz she ain't famous enough yet to have photos of her everywhere. I remember someone said she might do "Beautiful Liar" with me, but then punked out. So I had to play both parts. Like in this video:



So will someone please show me a photo of her so I know who to hate? Thanks.

Got me hoping you'll page me right now

Can we all agree that The Verizon Guy peaked last year? Seriously, bro. Time to hang it up.* Get yo fat self some B'Juice.


2006:



2007**:


* Pun INtended
** May not be actual picture of The Verizon Guy

No, I'M crazy in love.

Question: who the f are Snow Patrol and Switchfoot and The Magic Numbers and why the crap are they all singing my song, "Crazy in Love" in all these links?!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: if you're gonna copy me, do it with some spunk, or energy or choreography or backbeat or f*&^ing hot pants! Is it that hard? I think I set a pretty good example, I mean I work hard at it everyday. It's kind of my JOB. So I find it hard to believe that you people can't copy proper.

Just in case you decide to pull your heads out of your a$$es, I've copied the lyrics here and the video below. Step up. Now.

How you gon' upgrade me

So this Des'ree hack thinks she can pull one past the B? Puh-lease. Truth is I wrote that song first and she stole it from me. What's that? I was only 3 when the song came out? Yeah, that's right, cause I wrote it in the womb. That's the kinda talent I'm bringing Des'ree[tard]. You can take your bald, no-talent self back to whatever ghetto you came from. Also, you look like a man.

Better catch a cab, Or get on a bus

Guess what I learned after spending two hours walking around the UWS looking for some guy in a Rocawear bubble coat and doo rag? The E Train is an actual train.