I often wonder what happened to all my former Destiny Child's members--Kelly, Michelle, LaTavia, LeToya and Farrah. I hope they're doing OK after I fired them and had my dad repossess all the crap I gave them.
300 - This movie was about 300...um, well...so there are these 300 things and they...uh...go to this place where they play...um, no, um...OK, well, so here's the deal. I bought my ticket and was sitting in the theatre waiting for this movie to start and I began thinking, "300 is a really big number. A really really big number." And then I started to get nervous that there was going to be counting or math in the movie, cause I don't like math. Or counting. So I left, went home to my penthouse, ordered in from Per Se and put in one of my favorite DVDs instead. So, as a special treat to you, here's a review of...
Austin Powers in Goldmember - This movie stars me in the lead role and co-stars this hairy guy from some late night TV show. They wanted me to do the movie by myself, but we had to let the hairy guy and his pet midget in because I guess they were in the first movie or something. Well, anyway, I tried to act down to his level, but I still stole the show. Here's what some people said about my performance:
The big surprise is Beyonce Knowles who gives a very confident debut perf as sexy spy, Foxxy.- Robin Clifford
...Foxxy Cleopatra — a striking presence thanks to Beyonce Knowles' outlandish but dynamite makeup and costuming.
- Mike Clark
Ms. Knowles knows how to strut that strut- Stephen Holden
Beyonce is amazing. She's beautiful, hot, smart, sexy and looks great in the tight dresses. She's every bit as mesmerizing on the big screen as she is on her albums.I give this movie a Bootylicious.-Mom
See, so I get how our years work now. It's 2007. Then comes 2008, 2009, 2010, all the way to 2099. But how did all them people do it before Jesus? Y'know, back in the BC days? How did they know when Jesus was going to be born so that they could start counting down to 0? And did their months count down too? I asked my minister and he just shook his head, so I guess he don't understand neither. Maybe the dinosaurs figured it out. They was mad smart.
I was watching this re-run of Oprah and found out about these bad things happening in Africa. Apparently they don't have it as good as we do over here and I feel terrible about it, so I immediately had my manager send over 1,000 copies of my double platinum CD "B'Day" and 100 copies of my hilarious, but heartfelt comedy "The Fighting Temptations" on DVD. I hope I can set an example for other musician/actor/producer/media mogul/clothing designers to start giving as generously as I have.
Seriously, don't you hate it when your Diamond Vertu phone gets scratched and you have to get a new one?
I found this t-shirt online and had my fifth assistant order a million of them because people are always saying "I love you Beyonce" and I wanted to give them out to all my friends who worship me. But then the company was all like, "We can't send one million t-shirts", so my Daddy's going to sue them now.
After much debileration delibbarration thought, I have decided to enter the race for the Presidency of the United States! Unfortunately, with all my new videos coming out, I'm not going to be ready for the next election, so I have decided to run in 2010. Some people have told me there's no Presidential election in 2010, but my boyfriend Jay Z said he could hook it up for me, so take that haters! More updates to come on WWBD; maybe even t-shirts (with sequins, of course)!
Despite my best attempts, I can't be in every movie out there. So, as a service to my fans, I've decided to post reviews of new films each weekend. I hope this will help you sort through all the non-Beyonce movies out there. So, here we go:
Black Snake Moan - This was about a black guy who couldn't sing real good and a girl who was so poor that she could only afford half a shirt. I give it a No he din't!
Wild Hogs - Apparently, somebody remade Biker Boyz with white people. I give it a Cracka please!
Zodiac - I kept waiting for Miss Cleo to show up, but she never did, so I don't know what this movie was about. I give it a Wha Wha?
I bet if Serena Williams had kept winning tournaments, they would be calling her the "Beyonce of tennis" by now.
Check it. My new video dropped today. My dad told me I could play both roles in the video, but then the director let that Mexican girl who can't speak English do it. Whatever. I totally killed it and she can't dance.
